06/12/05 - 12/12/05 Vietnam/Cambodia (Update # 5)

Well its been a while since the last update.. I know I keep falling further behind but good news, this should be the 2nd last one. I had to leave the last 6 Days spent in Vietnam until next week.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas. It was different in Sydney to say the least .. 44.5 degrees on New Years day. Fan forced oven winds !!



06/12/05 Sri Lanka-> Singapore-> Vietnam

Just made our flight on time, being delayed by some German Woman who sat down beside us and insisted on telling us everyday of her journey. Yes I know im doing the same with these emails but at least im doing it in installments. She wanted to do it in two hours..maybe ten and if she got a day wrong she'd go back and start again. "No sorry on Monday I vent here so zat means I vent here on Tuesday and den Wednesday i vent..no no wait..." Never ask how was your trip to the elderly. Oh thank god for Singapore Airlines and at last success with on board movies. Not only movies on demand but free drink too. I'll have batman begins please and keep the beers comin. Sure why would i need sleep, it's not as if im going to be hanging around Singapore airport for 9 hours waiting for our connecting flight to Vietnam !! Just when you think your luck is in. But if you're gonna be stuck in any airport for 9 hours then Singapore gets my vote every time.


Flying in to Ho Chi Minh and watching, what looks like, thousands of ants making their ways through ducts. I'd say at least 80% of the population has a bike here. Back into haggling mode again with the taxi drivers so I just stood back and let the chief negotiator step in. I, being the financial controller, would give the nod when an acceptable level of being ripped off was reached. You know you're being done but even in this chaos you have to introduce a standard and lowest price wins.. or sometimes its a decent price and a nice smile or taking pity on the shy drivers who stand at the back. Instead of $8 we got it $6. Pointless really because in all the confusion of getting out of the cab in the hustling streets (all named after someones favourite doorbell music) I ended up giving the equivalent of $8 in dong.

The roads here are just jammed with bikes and again no lights obeyed.They hit corners from all angles and are more skilled at doing this than you would be interlocking your fingers together. Of course there are many deaths but they came up with a brilliant plan to fix that problem. Anyone with a bike over 125cc now needs a license. That should do it alright !!



07/12/05 Ho Chi Minh (Saigon) - War Museum


Visited the "war museum" today. It was once called "Americas war crimes" and recently renamed to but the theme is still the same. It is a one sided 'exhibition' of course but the evidence is so overwhelming and undeniable. Coming from a society given films glorifying the war it was an eye opener.. and can anyone give a reason why America were involved in this ?? Horrific pictures mostly taken from American media can be seen. Sickening images of the effects of agent orange foetus in jars of the deformed.. people around you just silent trying to take it all in. We were all in the same mood..and then the phone rang. I dived on it to kill the sound. It was my brother (howdy Graham) ringing to give me the football results and within a minute I'd forgotten where I was. "Yes..who scored?" I asked.. and as i scanned the room looking at all the people glued to the photographs some girls with their heads stuck to their boyfriends shoulders and crying, one face was staring back at me. Kelly was lip synching.."Lower yer bleedin voice"... or something to that effect..doh !

But i tell ye it was a welcome respite before going into recreations of tiger jails..they had a tape playing the background of people screaming from being whipped or hit. As if what you had in front of you wasn't enough.

Spent about 2 hours there before headed back to organise tomorrows trip to the tunnels and our re-entry visa to Vietnam. Cambodia would be our next destination.

Woke up in the middle of the night realising why were given a room for $5 less. I couldn't get back to sleep, the room had no windows. I was listening out for a fire all night..terrible feeling of claustrophobia got to me.



08/12/05 - Ho Chi Minh(Saigon) - Cu Chi Tunnels

For $3 dollars we booked a trip to the cu chi tunnels, an underground network of crawl spaces which the Vietcong used to live and hide in, plan attacks or ambush the yanks during the war. The trip included a bus and a tour guide who actually fought in the war. I didn't ask for any money back even though i couldn't understand a word he said. Shared a bus with an Australian family, easily identified early on by their politeness and their ability to talk around a subject that the tour guide seemed angry. " ahh he's got the sh1t's" they'd say. But for all their crudeness they'd also have a romantic way of describing things , for example a near accident on the road was "nearly a coming together there" and i don't think he meant the money shot from an 'adult' movie.

The tunnels are a sight and it become obvious just how small the Vietnamese are when you see the entrances to them. Very well camouflaged too. I barely squeezed down one of the original sized entrances. Of course for tourism they've expanded the entrances so people can 'walk' through them. I quickly realised that last nights thoughts of claustrophobia were way off. This was the real feeling coupled with intense heat and pitch black. My legs were giving way trying to inch forward on my hunkers. I lost the group at one point and was alone down there. Hands were touching the walls looking for exits. When i reached a cross roads i had no possible way of knowing which way the group went as it sounds like people are beside you so i just turned back. Brave men fought down here, make no mistake. Clever men too, setting up false entrances to tunnels to supposedly to lure Americans in and kill them on their return but obviously it was made for pizza hut deliveries. you could hardly give out the right address for your entrance could you ?..It might be intercepted for gods sake. They'd already sacrificed super Sundays with the lads so they had to be allowed something. (sorry..when you're here its all too serious sometimes)

The traps that were set weren't just designed to kill..but to kill in the worst way.. slowly and painfully. Some designed to take your manhood away. Opening a door would spring a spiked beam your way and if you blocked it with your arm its hinged lower half would swivel onwards and smash into your lower half.

Bought some bullets and had a go on the machine guns and AK47's (just to take our minds off the war.. ya know)

$3 well spent i reckon for a day like that. Retired back to our room passing two men bringing back women of the night. Im sore when they got a far as the "no prostitutes" sign they turned back and that the night porter could not be bribed in any way shape or form. You just can't beat security.



09/12/05 Vietnam (Saigon) -> Cambodia( Phnom Penh).

Took ourselves and our re-entry visa to the airport on a flight bound for Phnom Penh. On board our propelled plane (don't ask the model number i'd always refused plane spotting with pops on a Sunday) you could see the physical marks of war on the country. Footprints from B-52 bombers continued for miles in clear directions. Something I won't forget in a hurry, the depressions staggered through paddy fields.

Early impressions at touch down in Cambodia is that Phnom Penh is a developing city. Old buildings mixed in with the new. Plenty of wats and hotels and the like and situated on river. In a stroke of luck Kelly checked out accommodation, and while i waited in the cab a little fella knocked on the window selling postcards. He had a

tarantula crawling all over him and he didn't care. I passed on the cards and got rid of him before Kelly came back down. Went for lunch in "friends" restaurant. The restaurant gives all its takings to the friends orphanage and all the kids who work there now live there too. So again its better to give something to an organisation like this than to the individual on the street.

Swapping the imprints of the B-52 for the S-21 "school" in Phnom Penh. It was once a school but was turned into a torture house during the Khmer Rouge regime. Anyone who showed any sign of intelligence was taken away from their homes never to return. Even wearing a pair of glasses was regarded as such a sign..shocking. Families and generations wiped out to cleanse a nation. Pure madness and it happened just 30 years ago. Even afterwards I don't feel right talking about what I saw in there. To be honest you don't want to hear what they did either, I choose to go in to see it. There are rooms filled with mug shots of victims brought there. One picture of a cheeky looking little boy stays with me.. he was no more than 4. Who knows what happened him.

Spent so long at S-21 that we missed the killing fields itself. We'd seen enough and from reports the fields are in fact just empty fields now, nothing really marks the sites.

We met a yank from Seattle and spent the night drinking with him, he was as gay as the month we are in and a really cool fella too. I thought he was joking when he told us we'd better get going before 12. I had no carriage to return. "Oh no, that's when the shootings start. Tourists should be safe anyway" he said.. but i thought we were safe to begin with.. I had no idea we were actually still in a wild town.




10/12/05 Cambodia Phnom Penh -> Siem Reap

Instead of spending $30 on a speed boat to S iem Reap which more than likely would involve swallowing buckets of flies, whilst being stuck on a rooftop in 30 degree heat, we decided to take the less popular option amongst travellers. The $5 bus, I think may add an hour on to our journey but at least it was air conditioned. Vans passing us out or beside us were overloaded with people..and not just on the inside. 15-20 people were on the roof and I don't know how they were hanging on, by the look of it their finger nails were piercing the metal. One decent sized bump and the vehicles would be shedding its load. Every 2nd car or van was the same so there mustn't be a law against it but its insane to allow this. On board our bus they were playing some poor Khmer comedy video. It was a cross between the 3 Stooges and Chris Rock. Of all the times for my i-river battery to die , it certainly picked the worst. My own fault for not charging it. I had to listen to these annoying little " bolli" wail on about trying to travel somewhere. Terrible acting but the bus was in raptures ..some were doubled over on their seats. They'd look at us from time to time for our approval at the jokes.. hilarious.. I might have preferred my chances on the rooftops of the vans outside. Anyone looking in might have thought we were a bus full of special people..some capper faces pulled on that bus during the 6 hours I can confirm. I just hoped the bus driver was doing a better job at concentrating on the road.

At the journeys end my buns of steel felt like they'd just left a frying pan. Back to being mobbed again at a station and for a moment felt like we were back in India, until a police man came along with a baton and hit anyone within his reach. You could be cruel by calling a tout over to you and then tell him to go away.. he was sure to get a smack. Serve him right for annoying you.

Met up with a French couple while on a quest for an ATM machine. Spent the rest of the day with them.. a very handsome and pretty pair. I tried impressing them with my excellent version of their language..they didn't seem to understand " monche tu my son" or "bonjour " while departing.. Where they really French at all ??



10/12/05 Cambodia ( Siem Reap-> Angkor)

Siem Reap is a major tourist hub for Angkor. There is nowhere else to stay if you come to see temples, which was surprising to discover that there was no ATM machine considering the volume passing through. We hired two bikes and two drivers for the day, cost about $10 each. This has to be the craziest thing about Vietnam and Cambodia. Everything is priced and set in American dollars but you can pay in Dong or Riel respectively. Most tourists pay in dollars and mainly the locals use their currency. Now if there is a currency fluctuation of any kind, you know the tourists aren't going to suffer as they don't have to make up the difference of the dollar.

We were driven to each temple on a Honda 125. I really want one. So handy to get around on.

The temples were an archaeologists dream.. perfect carvings and sculptures, architraves, impediments , pillars, columns , sites still being excavated.. magnificent all of it.. and every bit of it wasted on me. Instead of marvelling at the age before me or taking in the tentacle like tree roots surrounding the jungle temples I was blown away by the fact that they filmed Tomb Raider here. What a joke to be more impressed with Angelina Jolie once standing here than the kings that ruled centuries ago. That's when you realise you should be banned from seeing temples.(In all fairness she does have two fantastic monuments of her own though!)

Later on I wasn't sure if the meaning was lost on others too. At the foot of another steep temple we saw what looked like monks about to begin a pilgrimage to the top. Convinced one of the monks was about to take his hands out of his robes to bless himself, the last thing I expected to see was a large, top of the range SLR digital camera. Rambo would have trouble aiming this thing. What else was under that tunic, was he wearing a bra and panties too. Surely these sites are sacred to the Buddhist. Shouldn't he be poor and on a vow of silence... they should be concealing their thoughts, not digital wonders...and prescribe to their religion, not David Bailey. Kelly got a great photo of these holy men herself.. Im sure they wouldn't mind. Hope the enjoyed their I-pod party that night.




Met up with the French couple again. It's true the French do it better.. Their trip put ours to shame that day, their photos were better, their tour guide brought them to better places, and they had another 10 months left touring the world too. But I bet their nation will never come second in the vote for the ugliest people in the world !! Come on Ireland !



Once again sorry for falling so far behind. I was going to do one massive update but it takes a while

27/11/05 - 05/12/05 Sri Lanka (Update #4)

I sit hear writting to you with the mother of all hangovers..listening to stupid Christmas songs and sweating the drink out of me while Kelly pampers herself for her birthday. Send sympathy please!!

27/11/05 Sri Lanka (Negombo)
Arrived late last night amidst the rain. shared a taxi with two lovely Israeli girls..bit mad though. Didn't know that girls were also drafted into the army services, thought it was just the blokes. They can't understand why the Swiss draft people into the army as everyone likes them. She has a point !!.. and I reckon you could learn how to use a Swiss army knife in your own time too. Don't think they got the joke.

Sri Lanka has the feel of Jamaica, no hassle ! You say no once to the tuk tuk drivers and you're left alone.
Had dinner in a suicidal restaurant. Chef must have been given the elbow by his missus. Maybe he was forced to cook his favourite lobster. The music was just terrible. It would wipe the smile off a chimpanzee with its finger up its ars3.
The carpenters "you needed me", Atlantic Star "Secret lovers", Chris de berk "they're all sh1te" and loads of country and western songs such as "fetch me the noose my wife's in love with the neighbours horse" or "I thought you said size didn't matter" ..all bellowing out of the speakers. I wanted to run in the back and give him a hug.
Met up with the Israeli girls again...had a good laugh discussing our different cultures. They couldn't believe that Irish girls can't bring boys home to sleep over at 15. I think I'd be putting my Swiss army knife to some good use if I had a 15 year old daughter ask me that.

28/11/05 - Negombo
Got burned by the pool today..well actually I got burned by the sun while I was sitting near the pool but you know what i mean. Later when i left the room to get some Aloe Vera gel, after closing the door, i looked up to see an 8 legged creature make it's way towards the exit on the wall. I was quite happy with the direction it was taking until he decided to stop and run to the ceiling, then turn around to face me and sat there. He was a little bigger than a clenched fist, very fast and most importantly blocking me exit. I didn't remember ordering the spider ! This situation were something I hate puts itself between me and salvation had reared its head again (was it going to be 3rd time unlucky)
Casting my mind back to the rats or the snake, the same fear was gripping me. It's the same fear that made Kelly jump onto the nearest boat last week. By the time I got to her, she'd just managed to speak again..sobbing the words "wine... opener...please".
It's at this point that I'd like to dispel a myth...mark this one down as complete and utter b0110x please. It's one of these things people say to you to make you feel better.. like "freckles are a sign of beauty" or " the tooth fairy will pay you for that"..both of these can leave you heart broken when you find out the truth.
Im talking now though about the "they're more frightened of you than you of them" myth.. it's an impossibility, trust me. Something that looks like its about to latch onto your face to impregnate you with offspring is not afraid of you at all.
If he/she kept going towards the exit and didn't look back then you could accept this.
I waited for it to move, considered throwing something at it but if it caught it and ate it then I'd be in trouble. I walked slowly under it and past and had to do the same again on the way back... the good side of him staying there meant he didn't jump, the bad side meant Kelly saw him later on.. It just told her not to worry.. "they're more afraid of you than you of them"..she bought it !!

29/11/05 Negombo - Galle (Unawatuna)
As we'd no guide book we hired a guide to drive us around the country. Got him to take us straight to Mickey D's for some good hangover food. Driving down the coast to Unawatuna took 4 1/2 hours with 1 of them spent just getting through the capital Colombo.
I was playing with the turtles head along the way..but please allow me to explain. We'd stopped off at a sanctuary for turtles which was partially destroyed by the Tsunami. I picked a few of them up..heavy chaps!
Sadly though this was only the first glimpse we caught of the devastation. The further south we went , the more damage. A train track twisted like spaghetti was left as a reminder, the new track beside it. Maybe you might remember some of the footage on sky (It's hard to forget) were the train that was derailed and many died. This train is sitting on the old track further down the line. It was very eerie seeing it. From a distance you think shadows are moving around on it. I got out to walk to it but was immediately seized by 20 or more beggars throwing babies in my face. They claimed they had lost their parents and were looking for money for them, they're wailing voices in my ear felt like it was coming from the train. As a woman approached they fell silent and turned back. I took a picture and left. Our guide was telling us that the beggars weren't victims at all. The woman that approached must have been affected and maybe that's why they stopped. Either way it wasn't a nice experience. It had an effect on me for a long while. I was imagining what it was like when the waves came in, I'd awake from thought to find my lips shut tight.(You know the feeling)

The trail of devastation continued, we passed the bus stop where the repeated footage on sky was shown. This was were 5 women were holding on to a shelter and 2 of them were pulled away into a maelstrom. Everything was fully functional again..when you see it up close you really begin to understand the sheer volume that came through. Later at our destination a demented man who'd lost his mother roamed the beach. He'd found her after a 3 day search and carried her body home. He's never been the same. This was one of the harder days of the travels.

30/11/05 Galle (Unawatuna)

Walked around Unawatuna beach today... Crystal clear waters its hard to believe something as beautiful could cause such carnage. Alongside smashed homes are people rebuilding, later we went into Galle to take another look at the bus terminal. The land is so low ,the wave travelled in 2km and was over 20ft high. Galle fort protected some parts as its high up. While at the top of the fort , overlooking the 70-100 ft drop a group of lads asked me if I wanted to see them jump for money. Not a hope..at first.. but they pitched a good argument about needing money (and i really did want to see it too). And being the generous person that I am I agreed to pay them for the jump(on their return), but not the funeral.. I sat on the edge and got the camera ready, then one of them took a run and blind jump over the edge. Crazy b^stid..head fist into what turned out to be 5ft of water. I don't know how he did it, I know of people diving into water from a pool side and end up in hospital. $2.50 it cost for this entertainment (including a 50 cent tip..hey, thats the kind of guy i am!!)..he could buy his brother a fresh pair of pants..Im sure he needed them.
Went looking for fishermen to help them bring in their nets but no sign today.

01/12/05 Galle (Unawatuna) - Yala
Made an early morning scuba dive for all of 20 euro. A bargain for these waters i thought but forgetting the damage beneath. The fish had returned and plenty of lobster(I should have caught one and sent it back to the suicidal chef) but the reef was dead and it will take many years to recover. Kelly waited on the boat and attempted to read a book..what colour is white ?? After 2 seconds she had put the book down and began concentrating on the horizon while I was grabbing puffer fish 30 metres below. The dive masters little girl was 1 year old and Kelly fell in love with her..she was gorgeous. But I wonder if she'd still want to take her home if she held onto her for 1 second longer before she peed on the floor.

Drove 4 hours to Yala leaving behind waiters who slip you their address and make you promise you'll stay with them if you ever return. More signs of disaster surround you but you see the school children laughing and getting on with it so it make things feel better.
Met a German couple who'd lived in Sri Lanka in 1980...with their children too. Very interesting people and funny too. The stereo typical accent makes it. There was no such thing as toilet paper back then so they had to ship their own in. Just imagine calling into all expats homes to ask "zem if zey vant sam bog roll". a 3 year supply was ordered. As we'd only just met I didn't go into his wipe and folding techniques but Im sure a 3 year supply was a large amount for zem too.
He also explained the 3 phases you go through in a tropical country.
Phase 1 , a fly lands in your drink and you take the fly out and leave the drink aside. Phase 2, take the fly out and drink it. Phase 3 leave the fly there and just drink it. Im at phase 2, although at times, and only too late you discover you've hit phase 3. Only the rich remain on phase one and the hungry on 3.

02/12/05 - Yala National Park - Kandi
Forgot to sent the alarm so a 5:30 knock at the door was good enough. Scrambling to the jeep it was off to the national park. Our driver was skilled enough, I don't think there was one pot hole missed. I was treating the spare wheel on the bonnet as an ornament because there are leopards in this park. If worse comes to it, then i'd offer to time the driver on a wheel change. A park guide jumped in and spent most of the time talking to the driver than animal spotting, so I don't understand the look on his face when he didn't get a tip. Spot more animals next time..ya p**ck.
A good trip , plenty of elephants, birds and crocodiles but no leopards. And with my new careful what you wish for approach I was only a little disappointed. We stopped at a former over night station to get out and walk. 65 people lost their lives less than a year ago here doing exactly what we were doing.. It's a scary thought when you look out at the sea, it can happen just like that.
A 9 hour drive awaited us after the park and shower. I've never been so dirty. Visited tea plantations high up in the hills. I think it was 2500 metres above sea level. (Saw a monkey that was the image of Ger Byrne..sorry Ger.) visited a market selling real Helly Hansen, Nike, Adidas stuff from 1 -15 euro.. they're made here. Arrived in Kandi after a long day with my head routed to the bottom of my ars3.

03/12/05 Kandi - Negombo

The whole point behind visiting Kandi was because of recommendations from everyone for the wonderful temples. A big let down and not worth it for this. A snake charmer kept following me around with his cobra looking for money. He obviously didn't read my last email about being cured with snakes. Honestly..who is looking after the menu on this trip..Could they strike snakes, spiders and rats from it please.
Walked through the botanical gardens where most of the film "the bridge over the river Quai" was shot. Then on to an elephant orphanage where over 70 elephants now reside. They started off in the 70's with just 4 rejected handicapped elephants. It was great watching them freely roam around up close and personal. The prehistoric roar from them is deafening. I watched a baby elephant come out of a feeding pen screaming for its mother as it turned out. Had I known how to speak Elephant I would have gotten out of there. The mother came flying around the corner having broken free and was making an angry dash my way. Kelly had already ran but i felt safe near a tour guide. That was until he ran passed me so i took the hint and got going myself. They were, after all, from a handicapped family and its possible I could have looked like a (rather attractive) banana through their spanner eyes. I especially didn't want to anger the daddy with his rather impressive 5th leg..they other 4 move at some speed let me tell you.
Drove passed a clothing factory were 90% of the workers are women. I know where I'd be cycling by if I were a young single sri lankan lad.


04-05 /12/05 - Negombo
Returned to Negombo to spend our last 2 days here before flying to Vietnam. We met up with an English couple who live here most of the year. They, in turn, were drinking with 2 retired german fellas who took us in under their wing. We ver zer Comrades..1 was a former merchant sailor the other a soldier. If they liked us at first the loved us when they found out we weren't english. They had some good stories which i wont go into but the soldier, for 25 years was based in Germany. Then for his last 10 years he was in Kosovo, Samalia and Ruanda to name a few places. He must have been due a pension they didn't want to pay.
Myself and the food haven't been getting on here at all. How I long to sing the womack and womack classic "Solid" (I know Mr. McGirr you asked me to go into degree of difficulty and texture but I think you might get the message)
Sri Lanka is well worth the visit. The people are great. Kelly thought the fellas were ok and the few women I accidentally looked at weren't bad either.
When you visit India and Sri Lanka and other Asian countries you realise what Ireland's greatest victory actually was. It wasn't beating England in 88 and it wasn't a tour de france. It was winning miss world. "Christy Burke's" may not have paid the ferryman but he definitely paid someone, because his daughter's "constant surprised" look wasn't enough to pull it off against these women. We, after all, are a nation that was once voted second ugliest in the world(..just ask Declan Coyle) so something doesn't add up.
Caught a taxi to the airport and went through a drink driving check point. The copper was banjoed himself. He stuck his head in the window and told Kelly she wasn't allowed leave the country.. he wanted to take her home...of course this wasn't because he was drunk..Im sure he would have asked anyway..guess who's dead later !!

ta da..and so marks another updates end.leaving for Australia tomorrow and looking forward to it.. Will send on the Vietnam Cambodia upate during the week. It's hard to find the time to keep up to date.

18/11/05 -27/11/05 India (Update #3)

(Hampi-Bangalore-Kerela)

Alright der people, sorry I haven't sent the update until now.. I know you were sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for the next thrilling chapter. So now you can let the nails grow back ! I know how much these mean to you all. Although I warn you in advance Im not too happy with my work on this one...

18/11/05 - Hampi.
Well I don't know about you but it just doesn't feel like November( that's when I wrote it!!). I mean its 35 degrees outside. The most incredible thing happened today. We arrived somewhere and actually liked it.
Of course getting off the bus came with the usual hassle.You'd try and ignore the rickshaw drivers and touts by opening up the lonely planet, but the f**kers would tell you that you were on the wrong page. Hampi, would remind me of the likes of Tripoli (had i ever been there of course). A Hindu stronghold of the 15th Century, a town based beside and above a river encompassing many temples and as we hadn't done
much "temple-ing" this was as good a place as any to start.



Began by walking up along the riverside passing through monkeys,visiting temples along the way, you get a great sense of what it was once like here. At one temple there were about 50 schoolkids leaving as we tried to get in. Each one of them had to stop to say hello and shake hands. They were in hysterics and took an age to get passed them. The teacher studying us at all the times came out with the most inquisitive question and really made me look deep into myself for an answer. I struggled for a minute not wanting to give the wrong answer but was eventually satisfied with the response i'd given. He nodded thankfully as if the meaning of life was solved. 2 Questions he asked, "Your Country ?" and "It's currency?"..best of luck to the pupils i thought. Were they the bureau De change branch of the school ??
Saw a little snake near a temple not sure what type. Then spent the afternoon in the barbers getting a shave, head massage and back massage. might have cost me 1euro. Had the craic in there with the locals. It was like Desmond's "India Style". Some big mean looking fella came in and started talking like Michael Jackson. You can just picture it now on bollywood TV.. Enter M.J. .. Applause.... "I vill ave a shave please".."Yes..but first ..a song !!"
Finished off the "temple-ing" in and Elephant and bat temple(complete with both).. then took an electric shower and got electrocuted, thankfully wasn't charged extra !! The locals brought their children over to us that night after our dinner to shake hands. It's hard to resist the greeting even if you are wondering if that was the kid picking winners all day or the one taking a dump beside you earlier.


19/11/05 Hampi - Bangalore
As a rule of thumb here.. if it seems too good to be true then it is. The bus looked perfect, seats were fine, it was there early never mind on time and pulled out when it was supposed to. So there I was looking for the catch.. How Ironic.. there was no catch, on the windows i mean. There I was stuck between 2 windows which constantly vibrated open all night. Not to worry only a mere 8 hour snot hardening breeze in my face. Salvation was at hand though when we got to Bangalore, met by Kieran, Eileen and their driver. (how good does that sound..their driver !!) With an offer to stay as long as we liked with them, we were determined to make them sorry for their kindness. What a house, huge grounds and pool, although, Kieran was saying it was too cold for the pool this time of year. Apparently Bangalore had 29 inches of rain in one day the week before which had washed away the roads up to the house..the house where the bacon and eggs were waiting !! Not to mention lunch at a 7 star hotel..didn't even know stars went that high for hotels until then. We weren't allowed to put our hands in our pockets once (which made it hard to scratch the family Jewels I can tell ye) I know it was cheating the India backpackers way but so what !!


20 - 22/11/05
Over the past 4 days we were treated like royalty. Eating in the best restaurants, tasting the best foods. It was an insight into how the other half of India lives. For all you ladies (who are still awake reading this) Kelly got 2 bags worth over 1000 yo yo's for about one tenth of the price. I even bought some Lacoste shirts for a 3rd of the price. On a different type of journey I would have bought and filled a suitcase myself.

Think I drove Eileen mad asking if I could get the gardener to bring me snake hunting. Seeing the small snake in hampi had made me curious. Watched and liked a cricket match.. didn't think either was possible. Also didn't realise, until it came up in conversation that the sideways nodding of the head in India was actually their way of saying yes. Sure what else could it mean when you think of it. This is India by the way.. and only in India could a white-pebble dashed branflake of a man like myself get stopped by a local to ask where the nearest mechanic I knew of was ???? The nearest place I could think of was across from the borza in Tallaght but i guessed that wasn't what he wanted so I just said no. He picks me out of thousands of Indians walking through the streets. I know people say you'll have a great tan one day when all those freckles join up but this was taking it too far.

23/11/05 Bangalore -> Kochi
Time to stop the cheating and hiding from India. We'd led a sheltered life too long so back into the wild it was. A short cheap flight to Kerela, South West India would be the next port. From there we'd make our way to Allepey to drift on the backwaters. Stopping off in Kochi for one night. Not much here except for the smell Im afraid. There had to be some underworld sh1te factory here something.. the wafts coming up from the shores. Too often the timing was all wrong, an inhale through the nose met with the Indian bisto..not pleasant at all I can tell you. Send more nasal hair please !!

24/11/05 Kochi -> Allepy
World piles day today. That's according to the local paper. Sadly I can't join in. The way India is you'd think there's a parade of piles through the town. If there was one I was going to buy a set of sharpened darts !! Didn't notice anyone sitting hight than normal on any chairs so choose not to stick around for the detection clinic.
Taxi to Allepey was crazy, Driver stook in the non-existent middle lane the whole way. The life of a taxi driver here is like the life of the cockerel on a farm.. you just couldn't live without your horn. And you'd have to keep your hand on it at all times, which would be no problem to a teenage boy (don't you think craig ??), but it means you're one hand down for the steering. Still as always we arrived in one piece.. I reckon its best not to look during these moments.
Took a walk around the town. I think the lonely planet meant "hi" season as opposed to "high" season. Everyone was just infatuated with us.. I thought it was just with Kelly at first. All the school kids just had to say hello to us. Those who didn't greet us laughed at us but in a kind of with us way...only we hadn't started to laugh just then..but we did.
They'd all ask for pens, chocolate or coins from our country . Some foreigners started this trend years ago and i wish i'd know before we got here because we had nothing to give this friendly town. They walked us back to our guest house.
Later I introduced the people who worked in the guest house to music. They were fascinated by the i-river i had. One lad wouldn't take the earphones off so we cranked up the volume to try and flush him out.. bad mistake. We gave him U2, he gave us tinnitus. He lost the plot and started making up Hindi words to the air of where the streets have no names. It was funny at first but after an hour of an ear beating it was time to play the dead battery trick.. he sang as if he was in pain, the pain felt by our ears.. maybe he was supposed to be at the parade earlier..my kingdom for a dart !!


25/11/05 Allepy Backwaters
Up early to sail round the backwaters on a houseboat where we'd spend the night. It was like apocalypse now. Narrow canal waters where people washed themselves, their clothes, disposed of god knows what and they wanted me to swim in it. Seeing dead ducks isn't the sign you're looking for when you're thinking of going for a swim. If he didn't last in there what chance did I have. Food was great and overall the day was worthwhile but not without incident. We moored the boat in the evening as the fishermen had to put out their nets..probably to catch some dead ducks too. So we took a walk up the bank along a narrow footpath in search of a wine opener. The bottle's here have a label which reads "Drinking may be injurious to your health" (.. didn't even know that was a word but sure that's what happens in India, things are just made up.. sure only last week I invented a new language called "Israeli" in the update)..anyway...not 20 metres from the boat Kelly asked,calm as you like, "Is that a snake?", just having walked past it. Honesty got the better of me yet again and when I said "yeah don't move" it was like the starters gun to quickie McQuade (Irelands own Carl Lewis) and off she shot. Her vibrations going one way sent the snake my way, he was uncoiling himself out from underneath the path. He was fu**ing huge, brown with a design that I know feel would look best on a handbag or pair of shoes than that river bank. At that very moment there was another brown snake in the creation as I stood and watched him go under a gap in the path.
I'd have to cross this area twice more, to go get, then bring Kelly back. It was either that path or the grass !! The quicker the better I thought but on the way some kid stopped me and wanted me to take a photo of him, give him chocolate or a pen..I wanted to floor him. F**k off wouldn't work on him so I tried saying snake.. "Ahh..King Cobra" he replied. Terrific.. was this just a response to the word snake or did he know what was really there. Either way it made me feel worse. Couldn't get back on the boat quick enough.
On the plus side Im no longer curious about seeing snakes..come back rats all is forgiven.

26/11/05 Allepy -> Kochi-> Sri Lanka
Last day in India.. Yippe !! And off to a flying start at 4:30am. Woken by an incurable itching under the mosquito net. Turned on the light to find 20 mossies inside the net and they'd been feasting on us all night. And then the massacre began, not one spared and why should they have been.
It was hurting us more than them..each one full to the brim with our blood. Im all for the Hindu's not wanting to harm anything but they also believe in reincarnation and I believe we were sending these mossies to a better life...might become Arabs or something !!
Counted the bites after the bloodbath. Kelly had 30 and I had...2 !! Why didn't they take me.. oh god why not me !! ahh well not point in going on about it.
Had to hang around for day waiting on our flight to freedom. Walked 5km to an Internet cafe but was too wrecked to send out an update.. the heats a killer !! Within 10 minutes of washing then walking, you can literally scrape the dirt from your face or neck and have black finger nails. I wont miss the dirt, the touts, the constant "hack-tooing" from everyone,everywhere (no social divide for this) But I will miss India. I'd like to to come back one day and see Rajhadstan, Varanasi and the Himalayas and Im sure there'll be a queue of people willing to come with me.
"Free at last, thank god , Im free at last" and didn't get food poisoning once.. In fact the food was terrific. India down now only have to get by the Tamil Tigers, Avian Bird Flew and a couple of land mines.


Sorry if that one bored you folks.. also finished now with Sri Lanka.. just arrived in Vietnam today.. will try to catch up with the updates. Send on any news if ye have it.. take it easy.
Gav.