18/11/05 -27/11/05 India (Update #3)

(Hampi-Bangalore-Kerela)

Alright der people, sorry I haven't sent the update until now.. I know you were sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for the next thrilling chapter. So now you can let the nails grow back ! I know how much these mean to you all. Although I warn you in advance Im not too happy with my work on this one...

18/11/05 - Hampi.
Well I don't know about you but it just doesn't feel like November( that's when I wrote it!!). I mean its 35 degrees outside. The most incredible thing happened today. We arrived somewhere and actually liked it.
Of course getting off the bus came with the usual hassle.You'd try and ignore the rickshaw drivers and touts by opening up the lonely planet, but the f**kers would tell you that you were on the wrong page. Hampi, would remind me of the likes of Tripoli (had i ever been there of course). A Hindu stronghold of the 15th Century, a town based beside and above a river encompassing many temples and as we hadn't done
much "temple-ing" this was as good a place as any to start.



Began by walking up along the riverside passing through monkeys,visiting temples along the way, you get a great sense of what it was once like here. At one temple there were about 50 schoolkids leaving as we tried to get in. Each one of them had to stop to say hello and shake hands. They were in hysterics and took an age to get passed them. The teacher studying us at all the times came out with the most inquisitive question and really made me look deep into myself for an answer. I struggled for a minute not wanting to give the wrong answer but was eventually satisfied with the response i'd given. He nodded thankfully as if the meaning of life was solved. 2 Questions he asked, "Your Country ?" and "It's currency?"..best of luck to the pupils i thought. Were they the bureau De change branch of the school ??
Saw a little snake near a temple not sure what type. Then spent the afternoon in the barbers getting a shave, head massage and back massage. might have cost me 1euro. Had the craic in there with the locals. It was like Desmond's "India Style". Some big mean looking fella came in and started talking like Michael Jackson. You can just picture it now on bollywood TV.. Enter M.J. .. Applause.... "I vill ave a shave please".."Yes..but first ..a song !!"
Finished off the "temple-ing" in and Elephant and bat temple(complete with both).. then took an electric shower and got electrocuted, thankfully wasn't charged extra !! The locals brought their children over to us that night after our dinner to shake hands. It's hard to resist the greeting even if you are wondering if that was the kid picking winners all day or the one taking a dump beside you earlier.


19/11/05 Hampi - Bangalore
As a rule of thumb here.. if it seems too good to be true then it is. The bus looked perfect, seats were fine, it was there early never mind on time and pulled out when it was supposed to. So there I was looking for the catch.. How Ironic.. there was no catch, on the windows i mean. There I was stuck between 2 windows which constantly vibrated open all night. Not to worry only a mere 8 hour snot hardening breeze in my face. Salvation was at hand though when we got to Bangalore, met by Kieran, Eileen and their driver. (how good does that sound..their driver !!) With an offer to stay as long as we liked with them, we were determined to make them sorry for their kindness. What a house, huge grounds and pool, although, Kieran was saying it was too cold for the pool this time of year. Apparently Bangalore had 29 inches of rain in one day the week before which had washed away the roads up to the house..the house where the bacon and eggs were waiting !! Not to mention lunch at a 7 star hotel..didn't even know stars went that high for hotels until then. We weren't allowed to put our hands in our pockets once (which made it hard to scratch the family Jewels I can tell ye) I know it was cheating the India backpackers way but so what !!


20 - 22/11/05
Over the past 4 days we were treated like royalty. Eating in the best restaurants, tasting the best foods. It was an insight into how the other half of India lives. For all you ladies (who are still awake reading this) Kelly got 2 bags worth over 1000 yo yo's for about one tenth of the price. I even bought some Lacoste shirts for a 3rd of the price. On a different type of journey I would have bought and filled a suitcase myself.

Think I drove Eileen mad asking if I could get the gardener to bring me snake hunting. Seeing the small snake in hampi had made me curious. Watched and liked a cricket match.. didn't think either was possible. Also didn't realise, until it came up in conversation that the sideways nodding of the head in India was actually their way of saying yes. Sure what else could it mean when you think of it. This is India by the way.. and only in India could a white-pebble dashed branflake of a man like myself get stopped by a local to ask where the nearest mechanic I knew of was ???? The nearest place I could think of was across from the borza in Tallaght but i guessed that wasn't what he wanted so I just said no. He picks me out of thousands of Indians walking through the streets. I know people say you'll have a great tan one day when all those freckles join up but this was taking it too far.

23/11/05 Bangalore -> Kochi
Time to stop the cheating and hiding from India. We'd led a sheltered life too long so back into the wild it was. A short cheap flight to Kerela, South West India would be the next port. From there we'd make our way to Allepey to drift on the backwaters. Stopping off in Kochi for one night. Not much here except for the smell Im afraid. There had to be some underworld sh1te factory here something.. the wafts coming up from the shores. Too often the timing was all wrong, an inhale through the nose met with the Indian bisto..not pleasant at all I can tell you. Send more nasal hair please !!

24/11/05 Kochi -> Allepy
World piles day today. That's according to the local paper. Sadly I can't join in. The way India is you'd think there's a parade of piles through the town. If there was one I was going to buy a set of sharpened darts !! Didn't notice anyone sitting hight than normal on any chairs so choose not to stick around for the detection clinic.
Taxi to Allepey was crazy, Driver stook in the non-existent middle lane the whole way. The life of a taxi driver here is like the life of the cockerel on a farm.. you just couldn't live without your horn. And you'd have to keep your hand on it at all times, which would be no problem to a teenage boy (don't you think craig ??), but it means you're one hand down for the steering. Still as always we arrived in one piece.. I reckon its best not to look during these moments.
Took a walk around the town. I think the lonely planet meant "hi" season as opposed to "high" season. Everyone was just infatuated with us.. I thought it was just with Kelly at first. All the school kids just had to say hello to us. Those who didn't greet us laughed at us but in a kind of with us way...only we hadn't started to laugh just then..but we did.
They'd all ask for pens, chocolate or coins from our country . Some foreigners started this trend years ago and i wish i'd know before we got here because we had nothing to give this friendly town. They walked us back to our guest house.
Later I introduced the people who worked in the guest house to music. They were fascinated by the i-river i had. One lad wouldn't take the earphones off so we cranked up the volume to try and flush him out.. bad mistake. We gave him U2, he gave us tinnitus. He lost the plot and started making up Hindi words to the air of where the streets have no names. It was funny at first but after an hour of an ear beating it was time to play the dead battery trick.. he sang as if he was in pain, the pain felt by our ears.. maybe he was supposed to be at the parade earlier..my kingdom for a dart !!


25/11/05 Allepy Backwaters
Up early to sail round the backwaters on a houseboat where we'd spend the night. It was like apocalypse now. Narrow canal waters where people washed themselves, their clothes, disposed of god knows what and they wanted me to swim in it. Seeing dead ducks isn't the sign you're looking for when you're thinking of going for a swim. If he didn't last in there what chance did I have. Food was great and overall the day was worthwhile but not without incident. We moored the boat in the evening as the fishermen had to put out their nets..probably to catch some dead ducks too. So we took a walk up the bank along a narrow footpath in search of a wine opener. The bottle's here have a label which reads "Drinking may be injurious to your health" (.. didn't even know that was a word but sure that's what happens in India, things are just made up.. sure only last week I invented a new language called "Israeli" in the update)..anyway...not 20 metres from the boat Kelly asked,calm as you like, "Is that a snake?", just having walked past it. Honesty got the better of me yet again and when I said "yeah don't move" it was like the starters gun to quickie McQuade (Irelands own Carl Lewis) and off she shot. Her vibrations going one way sent the snake my way, he was uncoiling himself out from underneath the path. He was fu**ing huge, brown with a design that I know feel would look best on a handbag or pair of shoes than that river bank. At that very moment there was another brown snake in the creation as I stood and watched him go under a gap in the path.
I'd have to cross this area twice more, to go get, then bring Kelly back. It was either that path or the grass !! The quicker the better I thought but on the way some kid stopped me and wanted me to take a photo of him, give him chocolate or a pen..I wanted to floor him. F**k off wouldn't work on him so I tried saying snake.. "Ahh..King Cobra" he replied. Terrific.. was this just a response to the word snake or did he know what was really there. Either way it made me feel worse. Couldn't get back on the boat quick enough.
On the plus side Im no longer curious about seeing snakes..come back rats all is forgiven.

26/11/05 Allepy -> Kochi-> Sri Lanka
Last day in India.. Yippe !! And off to a flying start at 4:30am. Woken by an incurable itching under the mosquito net. Turned on the light to find 20 mossies inside the net and they'd been feasting on us all night. And then the massacre began, not one spared and why should they have been.
It was hurting us more than them..each one full to the brim with our blood. Im all for the Hindu's not wanting to harm anything but they also believe in reincarnation and I believe we were sending these mossies to a better life...might become Arabs or something !!
Counted the bites after the bloodbath. Kelly had 30 and I had...2 !! Why didn't they take me.. oh god why not me !! ahh well not point in going on about it.
Had to hang around for day waiting on our flight to freedom. Walked 5km to an Internet cafe but was too wrecked to send out an update.. the heats a killer !! Within 10 minutes of washing then walking, you can literally scrape the dirt from your face or neck and have black finger nails. I wont miss the dirt, the touts, the constant "hack-tooing" from everyone,everywhere (no social divide for this) But I will miss India. I'd like to to come back one day and see Rajhadstan, Varanasi and the Himalayas and Im sure there'll be a queue of people willing to come with me.
"Free at last, thank god , Im free at last" and didn't get food poisoning once.. In fact the food was terrific. India down now only have to get by the Tamil Tigers, Avian Bird Flew and a couple of land mines.


Sorry if that one bored you folks.. also finished now with Sri Lanka.. just arrived in Vietnam today.. will try to catch up with the updates. Send on any news if ye have it.. take it easy.
Gav.