7/11/05- 11/11/05 India (Update #1)

(Delhi-Agra-Delhi)

Forgiveness please..poor keyboard and no spell checker

07/11/05 - Delhi
Flight was grand..won't bother spending too much time talking about
it. One plane is the same as the next plenty of room at the start and
gets all crammed towards the end..just like my handwriting. Had the
usual luck with the in flight movie,last time out I had the worlds
largest head in front of me. 3 years on and technology has moved the
screens down into the headrest in front but it decided to freeze 10
mins after take off..8 hours of getting a creek in the neck looking at
Kelly's screen.
Touchdown at Delhi and the expected hassle of crowds at the airport
didn't happen..maybe Monday is a touts day of rest.

It wasn't long until things started to heat up on the roads though.
Road markings for 3 lanes are as useful as a cows prayer in a
slaughter house. 5 or 6 cars just squeezing in dodging left to right
without indication..horns pollute the air but no one pays any
heed..amazingly accidents are rare, they'll all seem to have that 6th
sense so if they feel like darting somewhere then they already
have..then there's a celebratory beep of the horn to mark their
manoeuvre. Up ahead and there's a parting in the traffic, just a cow ,
in the middle of the road..standing there. Rubee for his thoughts !!



Later on we'd See an elephant but they don't cause as much panic as
you can see them above the crowd. And at the roadside you can just
stop and take a p1ss..at least I think thats what was happening..can't
imagine them just admiring the dirt.
Ventured out to a market place and had our first encounter with the
ever so friendly local taxi drivers. They'll try to tell you where you
want to go is dangerous/bad/not good and offer you bring you
elsewhere.. they all work off a commission. If they don't try that
they'll ask to collect you because taxi's are hard to get...funny
because all you can see on the roads are taxi's..can you only see them
when you're in them ?? Some of the spiel you get is just poor..but it
must work sometimes because they try it..just like an Italian grabbing
a woman by the arm in a club and giving her the "eaay ".. you just
think.. you need to go home and work on your material mate...but Im
sure it works for them too.
Tried asking the police for some assistance in getting distance to a
particular place but he couldn't speak english, a taxi driver then
jumped in and said "30 minutes" and like that the power of learning
gripped him.."yes yes 30 minutes away". 1st miracle witnessed.

08/11/05 Red For (Old Delhi)
Had planned a good sight seeing trip into old Delhi and the bazaars
but jetlaf felt like 10 rounds with Mike Tyson or an evening with
Daniel O Donnell. So the morning tour was actually back in Harrods
ordering that ice cream and playing football..because that's what boys
dream about !!
Anyway the red fort..built by someone for something yadda yadda
yadda...its red. Enter Pirithi..taxi driver and loyal friend..not a
bad bone in his body.Starting with the "eaay" technique and moving on
to the praise our education system..many friends in Ireland..spare
me!! He was a bit better at the con because he took us through some
dodgy spots showing us how unsafe it was to walk in places. So he
would drop us off at a rickshaw station, where they would take us to
the red fort and then bring us back to him. The rickshaws were of
course regulated by the government..sure..and could be trusted. But
you'd have to ask the question if he was a taxi driver then why
couldn't he take us there and back. Unfortunately for Pirithi he
hadn't covered this angle so he stuttered through an answer..nice try
ya f**k. We told him to go as touts where sticking their heads in the
windows saying "road closed..road closed".. I wasn't getting out
there..foot down please.


And so we got to the red fort and we both agreed it was aptly named.
(for a better description..ask google). But it was great craic being
followed everywhere by the crowds. We were only in the gate and people
wanted us to pose for photo's. Maybe it was the blond hair or the big
chest that attracted them..it may even have been something to do with
Kelly !!
Highlight of the day was faking a left or right, then doubling back,
people following you wouldn't know where to look so then you could get
behind and follow them.

09/11/05- connaught place
Pirithi called us at the hotel early doors.. he was waiting for us
downstairs and had a tour organised..how nice of him.Only we didn't
ask him to. Cheeky little f**k so in no uncertain terms I told him
were to go "No thanks" i said..that showed him. I reckon he had
arranged it with plenty of shops to bring 2 idiots in to fleece.
We were so put off by taking transport and talking to anyone that we
toyed with the idea of walking into town but nay..and gladly so as our
route would have taken us through a colony of monkeys and they're
meant to be vicious. Looked like they'd been rubbing Aladin's lamp a
bit too much..or as Kelly put it "the big red balls on them".


I'm putting her forward to co-write the next mills boon novel.
Kept an eye on downward at connaught place as they have the scam where
they soil the one's and two's and then ask you later to clean your
shoes for you.
Plenty of poverty to be seen and pretty sure we saw our first leper. I
reckon the missing limbs and open wounds + puss coming from the
bandages gave it away. Wasn't too impressed with him nearly touching
us.
Learned a rule of the road..don't buy a new car, they know you don't
want to mark it. You're like a sitting duck in it. Rickshaw drivers go
hell for leather approaching roundabouts when they see one....new cars
just hit the brakes. The funniest thing i've seen in a long time was
when 2 men successful negotiated the traffic, square on with 2, 14
foot wooden beams underarm. The heads bobbing up and down while going
every way but straight. You wouldn't attempt to cross it on your own
but they did it..without decapitating anyone too.

10/11/05 Delhi- Agra (Taj Mahal)



Caught the early train to agra, it was supposed to be 1st class and
air cond. shared it with cockroaches. Before we departed I had spotted
one little friend on our seat but missed him with my foot. I was in 2
minds to warn Kelly and probably shouldn't have given the reaction.
You see Kelly wouldn't like to think they're in the same town let
alone the same room as she put it. As it was 1st class I told her they
were upper class roaches. Just imagine 2nd class or 3rd if there is
one. Fair play though she stayed on the train.

Arrived in Agra in what has to be the dirtiest most dingy place I've
ever seen. You can't shake off the touts when you leave the train
station. 5 surround you at a time and when one goes another comes
along. You stop they stop..they listen in on what you say to one
another and prey on it. The best thing to do is just grab a rickshaw
driver, agree a price and get out of there. Again they'll all try to
bring you to a hotel where they get the best commission so you just
have to stand firm and have a map handy so you can tell them exactly
where you want to go. Not that it matters because its just one big
slum anyway. Tiny streets filled with children, touts, cows... If the
Taj Mahal wasn't in the town I don't know what these people would do
to survive.
And the Taj Mahal is magnificent. I was amazed by it and didn't expect
to be. No words I could write would do it justice..big,white and round
with an ice cream cone on top just isn't fair. Such riches inside the
walls contrasted by the deprived outside. While waiting on a rickshaw
outside to get to the accommodation there was couple of loud bangs
beside us. about 5 monkeys were jumping from tree to wall to rickshaw
and going the other way..nice one. I was ready to tell them what Kelly
said about their mates in Delhi and make a get away. Looking up you
could see more of them scampering across the Arabian styled
rooftops...feeding time at the zoo.
Escaped to Pizza hut...yes Pizza hut..in the middle of all this..thank
god for franchise. You take your like in your hands eating the local
food around here. 2 tourist died while back. A scam to poison people
because it could keep them in the town a while longer until they were
better. No thanks.
Had a drink with 2 Englishmen that night who were also on their way to
Varanasi but a festival has filled up any "pleasant" accommodation
there(and you would redefine that word India) so it back towards Delhi
for them and us.

11/11/05 Agra- Delhi



No need to imagine what 2nd class would be like because we were going
to experience it today. The change of plans see's us heading back to
Delhi but the best trains leave early and we missed them all. Sure how
bad could it be ..mixing with locals and all that!!
Queuing for the ticket and a friendly man turned around to kindly
cough up or spit some weird orange stuff on me..lovely !! He would
have told me not to mention it so i didn't thank him.
Anyway onward and hoping upward...but knowing thats not going to be
the case. You give each other the same smile that says all is fine
while wondering what have you got yourself in for. So from yesterdays
don't tell Kelly lesson I decide not to mention the rats until we hit
Delhi..or maybe Australia. Didn't want to scare her anymore than
now..probably wasn't possible. I'd imagine it could turn into a B.A.
V's the A-team scene and i didn't have any milk or a burger to help me
out.
And what a journey..found the first seat nearest the door for an early
exit.. hounded by beggars throughout, some blind some missing their
cricket arms... one transvestite (culture or what!).. but it's just
hassle, no more. You can easily turn away to the windows and admire
people openly taking a dump !! Yep.. bags down, arses touching their
heels and squeezing for India. It's quite and impressive squat. I
don;t know how they do it... maybe its the temporary extension that
keeps them up.
Plenty of monkey litter the tracks, the odd camel nearby. straw huts
mud huts but no brick huts and sadly no 3 little piggies.

Hitting Delhi at rush hour traffic was a whole new experience..to
think it was mad before. Our driver to the airport was proving me
right. I was thinking as you do..that even Stevie Wonder could drive
here and nothing would happen to him. Amidst the horns and hustle our
driver starts falling asleep... repeatedly.. and nothing would keep
him awake.. I'd nudge him, talk to him but off he kept nodding..and
waking up bang on time to take the right turn. But here I am writing
about it so that ends that tale.

At the moment we're in Bombay..so ill send on another update next week
sometime. Hope you are all well...please forward on to anyone I've
left out.
Gav