12/11/05-17/11/05 India (Update #2)

(Bombay-Goa-Hampi)

Hallo again, for those who stuck with the last update until the end I
thank you. Once again ignore any misplakes.

Anyway...

12/11/05 - Bombay
Arrived in Bombay in the middle of the night and got slapped by the
smell from a near by river. Like a slap from a sick,homeless, infected
wet fish. Starting to regret not taking the plunge and going to
varanasi to see the dead along the septic Ganges river. But from
reports, Varanasi is 10 times worse than Agra and I have trouble
believing that even Benji would stop there! Cockroaches were up in
arms(or legs) over the dirt, organising daily rallies. To be honest
everywhere would be considered dirty compared to home but each place
offers a new experience.
So Bombay about a half spoonful cleaner than Delhi and with more rats
also has its charms..finding them is the challenge.
Took a walk to see India's Gate in search of some touts to annoy us
(what would we do without them) Some were selling stupid large
balloons and others were selling drums. Come on what idiot would buy a
drum or balloon ( I swear at the time of writing this Eamon I didn't
know you had bought a drum !! of course I know I didn't have to really
include this sentence) Had some great food for about 2 euro but
couldn't find a drink as its a dry town on Saturday.

13/11/05 - Towers of Silence (Sounds like something from the lord of
the rings doesn't it)
Got up at 7 to try and find the laughter club. In 1995 a
mumbai(Bombay) physician, Dr. Madan Kataria wanted to prove that
laughter was the best medicine so he started a movement to gather
people together and make them laugh. So now this movement has spread
all over India into what they call laughter clubs, where people just
stand around and laugh at anything. It's no place for the paranoid.
You wouldn't want to be greeted by these people getting out of the
Irish sea in your speedo's. But if you were speedo's then you've got
it coming in fairness.

Anyway the laughter club, Sounds like mecca for my dad, a chance to
tell jokes with the possibility of laughter as a response.. a dream
come true. Dragging Kelly out of bed at 7 is some achievement (and
deserving of a zomax "You make it happen award"), but she wasn't
impressed when we couldn't find them..not very funny we thought, but i
bet you're finding that amusing you sick bunch of people.
Im sure there were about 50 of them behind a bush p1ss1ng themselves
looking at us. But as I said this is no place for the paranoid.

Right, next on the list was a trip to the Towers of Silence. The
Parsees hold fire,earth and water sacred and so they don't bury or
cremate their dead. The corpses are laid out within these towers to be
picked clean by Vultures. Although this is off limits to tourists you
still have to give it a go. Couldn't get in the main gate but we were
in the side one before being caught and thrown out...seriously though,
what does one have to do to see a dead body in this country !!
Although there were no vultures due to pollution( according to the
lonely planet Arati not me..i know they're on holidays) there were
plenty of eagles circling overhead making a funnel. A local told us it
takes 20 mins to pick a body clean.

Not having much luck with the sightseeing today, cut the losses and
headed for another slap up 2 euro meal. Made up for the dry night
before too, and drink comes bravery. I hate rats...hate them, but have
a fascination with them at the same time, so when the night porter saw
me looking for them on the street with camera, he brought me to the
kitchen area out the back. "Wait there" he said leaving me at the end
of a corridor. I thought he was was going to bring a rat out and show
me. "Certainly", I said. "Ready ?".."Yep".. and so in the middle of
getting the camera ready this rat comes darting around the corner at
me, head on. The little b0ll*x was cornering the rats and sending my
way.. the only way out. He'd nowhere else to run, so in this momentary
game of chicken I decided to move out of the way, and so did he. I'd
love to tell you were he went but it's hard to see when you close your
eyes. Missed the rat but got a lovely photo of the floor. Blamed the
rat on screaming like a girl, cancelled breakfast and went to bed.


14/11/05 - The laughter club strikes back
The previous days failure of not finding the club wasn't going to
deter me. 6:30 start, leaving the goddess of sleep back in the room. I
had to see this. Bombay doesn't offer an awful lot more. Couldn't
believe the amount of people out walking and jogging at that hour.
Went to a place called the hanging gardens but still no sign of the
funny ones. Plenty of eagles, parrots though. Some fine birds around
and some of them on their way to work too!!
I was just about ready to give up when what i thought was a yoga class
started laughing. As i didn't have my speedo's on I was happy I'd
found them. It was gas. Very infectious too. You find yourself
laughing at people laughing. The madness of it all. And with that it
was over. 2 rounds of laughing and they were done. I could do better
than that.. i'd a rake of material ready. Like my favourite, why does
your feet smell and your nose run ? But i suppose they had a full day
ahead of them and as it turned out so did we.


3 hours spent in the train station trying to get a ticket to goa and
left empty handed. It's a pain in the ass trying to get anything
organised. The first thing you should do in India when you arrive
anywhere is organise you way out. Of course we could have taken about
an hour off the time if a con man poising as an employee for the train
station hadn't latched on to us. He was so helpful and had his routine
down to a tee. Part of the con was to show you on screen that your
train was full or had a waiting list. Best to take another train,
tickets was probably cheaper which meant more profit for him. It was
only when he was leading us to his office that we tweaked it. Why
would his office be outside the train station if he worked there. Good
luck..and back we turned.(Another pupil from the cheating school of
Calcutta Mike!!) It turns out the waiting list on trains is for
locals..tourists get preference on trains.
Spent the next 2 hours watching a local (at a designated tourist
counter) cancel,order,cancel again 50 tickets. Im a senior citizen
he'd repeat. Senile more like !! then we had to deal the clerk, the
Indian Manuel. I swear the conversation went like this
2 for the 5:35 to goa..you can only take the 7 train..ok 2 for that..
you can't take that one only the 7 train...thats what i said 2 for
that..no no you can't take that one.. you can only take the 7 o clock
train or the 7 o clock train and please make up your mind people are
waiting...
I couldn't take this for long so I left. A french lad had "erd" you
could get cheap flights and we did. Swapping a 14 hour train for a 1
hour flight for an extra 20 euro was a good deal to me.

15/11/05 - Bombay- Goa
Plane delayed for 3 hours so we'd not save time with the plane..but
save the cheeks at least. Leaving Bombay and its beggars behind wasn't
an upsetting experience. Again the poverty is very evident. Kids
sleeping on the streets at night. I wanted to leave money in a girl's
hand, no more than 5years old. But you're asked to make donations to
organisations not individuals as the kids are owned by people and used
in begging rings. Other beggars purposely disfigure themselves in the
hope of touching your sensitive side. The crab man, as i called him
appeared out of an alleyway,sideways. Walking on his hands, legs set
to go up his back and his knees over his shoulders. You could offer
him money but how could he take it. I'd insist on putting it into his
hands but that'd make him fall over. Cruel i know but he was very
annoying. Other break their arms, feet or legs and reset them..strange
and sad.
Anyway off to the tropics of Goa. Had a row with a tout over the drums
(sorry again Eamon)..You have to snap eventually.



16/11/05 Goa
Arrived late yesterday evening so today was the first real glimpse of
the beach. It's the one shown at the beginning of the film the bourne
supremacy, Palolem Beach. Had to walk through a herd of water buffalo
to get on the beach which is a challenge first time round. Those horns
are for there for a reason, I doubt they just make good
toothpicks.Plenty of Hawks, pigs and wild dogs around too. Met a real
funny guy from Cork, reminded me of Neill from the young ones.
Everything he touches seems to turn to mud. He has a strange
infatuation with the number 23, has a tattoo of it and says it keeps
on appearing in everything he does.
The first story he told us was of how he had just bought a bike and
drove round a corner and hit a cow. He choose the smallest of the 3,
it was either that or get smacked by a truck. The cow was knocked out
cold and a local had to help him drag it off the road to try and
revive it. After 2 buckets of water the cow woke up and off he went.
Upon further digging into his series of misfortunate events (which has
led him to Goa) he'd tell us of how his restaurant was shut down and
his girlfriend dumping him. He was so unfazed by it all and real
apologetic in his tone. His Israeli friend was a hoot too. On the run
from his girlfriend because she asked him to marry her..right im off
he said..In Israeli(a new language) of course !! He's take great pleasure in
complaining or giving bad news. He's been there 4 days and moved 4
times already. His 1st hut was too near the sea, 2nd was too near the
road, 3rd beside a place that played "Tracy f*cking Chapman" all day
and finally when he thought he'd struck gold the kitchen woke up him
up early doors. We told him of our plan to leave Goa on the sleeper
bus the next night."Sleeper..haa haa.. I don't think so... maybe small
f*cking nightmare" and off he went into hysterics. The best part of
this story is that he was so stoned
all the time that he didn't realise that was his only option out of
there too.. he'd forgotten he'd asked a travel agent. How do I know
all this ?? I've read ahead i know what happens.



17/11/05 Goa - Hampi
Small nightmare..what an understatement. Aldad and ourselves waited
for the sleeper bus to hampi. Of course I could go into the 34 degree
heat ,the beautiful beaches of Goa or the perfect temperature of the
Arabian sea but what pleasure would you take from that. So let me tell
you the story of how me and my arse fell out with each other.
To begin with how do you describe a bus that reminds you of a prison
ship to Australia. Discovered that "Gavin" means back of the bus and
"Harmon" meaning near the exhaust because they always insist on
putting me there. I mean sharing a bus, poorly ventilated with 30
other curry eating non nationals wasn't going to be pleasant to begin
with. Thank god is was non smoking, back draft came to mind. As heat
rises, all I could think about was the poor souls in the top bunks..
Im sure I sent up a few presents along the 11 hour journey. The driver
had a bet he could do it in 9 hours. "Disaster eh?" grinned Aldad as
we settled in. The worst of it was Kelly's reclining seat wouldn't
lock down into the horizontal position which meant every bump would
throw up her like Dracula at sundown. The little bumps were few and
the massive were plenty and sleeping wasn't going to happen. More
often than not Kelly was the Olympic hero on the gymnasium horse,
launched into the air doing triple pikes and half axles landing with
both cheeks in tandem. I couldn't work out the look on her face.. was
it because she was just woken up and tossed like a pancake or was it
because the rest of the bus wasn't holding up scorecards for her
acrobatics. But it wasn't funny really because it was keeping me awake
and there's only so many times you can offer to swap seats.. once is
more than enough !!
Aldad's run of bad luck continued, some cracker latched on to him
during a pit stop and again at hampi, so off he went with her. I know
Im going to bump into him again where he'll complain about having to
make love to her continuously over 3 days.
poor fella.

Bonjour !!

7/11/05- 11/11/05 India (Update #1)

(Delhi-Agra-Delhi)

Forgiveness please..poor keyboard and no spell checker

07/11/05 - Delhi
Flight was grand..won't bother spending too much time talking about
it. One plane is the same as the next plenty of room at the start and
gets all crammed towards the end..just like my handwriting. Had the
usual luck with the in flight movie,last time out I had the worlds
largest head in front of me. 3 years on and technology has moved the
screens down into the headrest in front but it decided to freeze 10
mins after take off..8 hours of getting a creek in the neck looking at
Kelly's screen.
Touchdown at Delhi and the expected hassle of crowds at the airport
didn't happen..maybe Monday is a touts day of rest.

It wasn't long until things started to heat up on the roads though.
Road markings for 3 lanes are as useful as a cows prayer in a
slaughter house. 5 or 6 cars just squeezing in dodging left to right
without indication..horns pollute the air but no one pays any
heed..amazingly accidents are rare, they'll all seem to have that 6th
sense so if they feel like darting somewhere then they already
have..then there's a celebratory beep of the horn to mark their
manoeuvre. Up ahead and there's a parting in the traffic, just a cow ,
in the middle of the road..standing there. Rubee for his thoughts !!



Later on we'd See an elephant but they don't cause as much panic as
you can see them above the crowd. And at the roadside you can just
stop and take a p1ss..at least I think thats what was happening..can't
imagine them just admiring the dirt.
Ventured out to a market place and had our first encounter with the
ever so friendly local taxi drivers. They'll try to tell you where you
want to go is dangerous/bad/not good and offer you bring you
elsewhere.. they all work off a commission. If they don't try that
they'll ask to collect you because taxi's are hard to get...funny
because all you can see on the roads are taxi's..can you only see them
when you're in them ?? Some of the spiel you get is just poor..but it
must work sometimes because they try it..just like an Italian grabbing
a woman by the arm in a club and giving her the "eaay ".. you just
think.. you need to go home and work on your material mate...but Im
sure it works for them too.
Tried asking the police for some assistance in getting distance to a
particular place but he couldn't speak english, a taxi driver then
jumped in and said "30 minutes" and like that the power of learning
gripped him.."yes yes 30 minutes away". 1st miracle witnessed.

08/11/05 Red For (Old Delhi)
Had planned a good sight seeing trip into old Delhi and the bazaars
but jetlaf felt like 10 rounds with Mike Tyson or an evening with
Daniel O Donnell. So the morning tour was actually back in Harrods
ordering that ice cream and playing football..because that's what boys
dream about !!
Anyway the red fort..built by someone for something yadda yadda
yadda...its red. Enter Pirithi..taxi driver and loyal friend..not a
bad bone in his body.Starting with the "eaay" technique and moving on
to the praise our education system..many friends in Ireland..spare
me!! He was a bit better at the con because he took us through some
dodgy spots showing us how unsafe it was to walk in places. So he
would drop us off at a rickshaw station, where they would take us to
the red fort and then bring us back to him. The rickshaws were of
course regulated by the government..sure..and could be trusted. But
you'd have to ask the question if he was a taxi driver then why
couldn't he take us there and back. Unfortunately for Pirithi he
hadn't covered this angle so he stuttered through an answer..nice try
ya f**k. We told him to go as touts where sticking their heads in the
windows saying "road closed..road closed".. I wasn't getting out
there..foot down please.


And so we got to the red fort and we both agreed it was aptly named.
(for a better description..ask google). But it was great craic being
followed everywhere by the crowds. We were only in the gate and people
wanted us to pose for photo's. Maybe it was the blond hair or the big
chest that attracted them..it may even have been something to do with
Kelly !!
Highlight of the day was faking a left or right, then doubling back,
people following you wouldn't know where to look so then you could get
behind and follow them.

09/11/05- connaught place
Pirithi called us at the hotel early doors.. he was waiting for us
downstairs and had a tour organised..how nice of him.Only we didn't
ask him to. Cheeky little f**k so in no uncertain terms I told him
were to go "No thanks" i said..that showed him. I reckon he had
arranged it with plenty of shops to bring 2 idiots in to fleece.
We were so put off by taking transport and talking to anyone that we
toyed with the idea of walking into town but nay..and gladly so as our
route would have taken us through a colony of monkeys and they're
meant to be vicious. Looked like they'd been rubbing Aladin's lamp a
bit too much..or as Kelly put it "the big red balls on them".


I'm putting her forward to co-write the next mills boon novel.
Kept an eye on downward at connaught place as they have the scam where
they soil the one's and two's and then ask you later to clean your
shoes for you.
Plenty of poverty to be seen and pretty sure we saw our first leper. I
reckon the missing limbs and open wounds + puss coming from the
bandages gave it away. Wasn't too impressed with him nearly touching
us.
Learned a rule of the road..don't buy a new car, they know you don't
want to mark it. You're like a sitting duck in it. Rickshaw drivers go
hell for leather approaching roundabouts when they see one....new cars
just hit the brakes. The funniest thing i've seen in a long time was
when 2 men successful negotiated the traffic, square on with 2, 14
foot wooden beams underarm. The heads bobbing up and down while going
every way but straight. You wouldn't attempt to cross it on your own
but they did it..without decapitating anyone too.

10/11/05 Delhi- Agra (Taj Mahal)



Caught the early train to agra, it was supposed to be 1st class and
air cond. shared it with cockroaches. Before we departed I had spotted
one little friend on our seat but missed him with my foot. I was in 2
minds to warn Kelly and probably shouldn't have given the reaction.
You see Kelly wouldn't like to think they're in the same town let
alone the same room as she put it. As it was 1st class I told her they
were upper class roaches. Just imagine 2nd class or 3rd if there is
one. Fair play though she stayed on the train.

Arrived in Agra in what has to be the dirtiest most dingy place I've
ever seen. You can't shake off the touts when you leave the train
station. 5 surround you at a time and when one goes another comes
along. You stop they stop..they listen in on what you say to one
another and prey on it. The best thing to do is just grab a rickshaw
driver, agree a price and get out of there. Again they'll all try to
bring you to a hotel where they get the best commission so you just
have to stand firm and have a map handy so you can tell them exactly
where you want to go. Not that it matters because its just one big
slum anyway. Tiny streets filled with children, touts, cows... If the
Taj Mahal wasn't in the town I don't know what these people would do
to survive.
And the Taj Mahal is magnificent. I was amazed by it and didn't expect
to be. No words I could write would do it justice..big,white and round
with an ice cream cone on top just isn't fair. Such riches inside the
walls contrasted by the deprived outside. While waiting on a rickshaw
outside to get to the accommodation there was couple of loud bangs
beside us. about 5 monkeys were jumping from tree to wall to rickshaw
and going the other way..nice one. I was ready to tell them what Kelly
said about their mates in Delhi and make a get away. Looking up you
could see more of them scampering across the Arabian styled
rooftops...feeding time at the zoo.
Escaped to Pizza hut...yes Pizza hut..in the middle of all this..thank
god for franchise. You take your like in your hands eating the local
food around here. 2 tourist died while back. A scam to poison people
because it could keep them in the town a while longer until they were
better. No thanks.
Had a drink with 2 Englishmen that night who were also on their way to
Varanasi but a festival has filled up any "pleasant" accommodation
there(and you would redefine that word India) so it back towards Delhi
for them and us.

11/11/05 Agra- Delhi



No need to imagine what 2nd class would be like because we were going
to experience it today. The change of plans see's us heading back to
Delhi but the best trains leave early and we missed them all. Sure how
bad could it be ..mixing with locals and all that!!
Queuing for the ticket and a friendly man turned around to kindly
cough up or spit some weird orange stuff on me..lovely !! He would
have told me not to mention it so i didn't thank him.
Anyway onward and hoping upward...but knowing thats not going to be
the case. You give each other the same smile that says all is fine
while wondering what have you got yourself in for. So from yesterdays
don't tell Kelly lesson I decide not to mention the rats until we hit
Delhi..or maybe Australia. Didn't want to scare her anymore than
now..probably wasn't possible. I'd imagine it could turn into a B.A.
V's the A-team scene and i didn't have any milk or a burger to help me
out.
And what a journey..found the first seat nearest the door for an early
exit.. hounded by beggars throughout, some blind some missing their
cricket arms... one transvestite (culture or what!).. but it's just
hassle, no more. You can easily turn away to the windows and admire
people openly taking a dump !! Yep.. bags down, arses touching their
heels and squeezing for India. It's quite and impressive squat. I
don;t know how they do it... maybe its the temporary extension that
keeps them up.
Plenty of monkey litter the tracks, the odd camel nearby. straw huts
mud huts but no brick huts and sadly no 3 little piggies.

Hitting Delhi at rush hour traffic was a whole new experience..to
think it was mad before. Our driver to the airport was proving me
right. I was thinking as you do..that even Stevie Wonder could drive
here and nothing would happen to him. Amidst the horns and hustle our
driver starts falling asleep... repeatedly.. and nothing would keep
him awake.. I'd nudge him, talk to him but off he kept nodding..and
waking up bang on time to take the right turn. But here I am writing
about it so that ends that tale.

At the moment we're in Bombay..so ill send on another update next week
sometime. Hope you are all well...please forward on to anyone I've
left out.
Gav