12/07/02 - 30/07/02 Hervey Bay -> Sydney

G’day to all my little homies, wherever you may be…. Well I think its about
time for another update. It’s been hard to find the time to getting around
to sending them as I’ve such a busy schedule !! but I trust you couldn’t
really give a sh*t when you get the mails so here’s another one.

All replies welcome, no mail to big, no thoughts too small !!


12/07/02 Hervey Bay -> surfers paradise

Well fresh from the Frazer experience we were traveling thru Brisbane to get
to surfers paradise so we could meet up with Mr.Gav Connolly. We’ll double
back later to “Brissie” to get a proper look later.
But for now Kelly stopped off to get the hair done. I was tempted to go in
myself but for the money they were charging I think it would be better spent
on a plastic surgeon.
Of course I planned on keeping myself busy for 4 hours in an internet café ,
but there wasn’t any. Plan 2 would have involved going to the cinema but I
had just missed every show by about half an hour.
Plan 3 wasn’t thought about, but it ended up being a long walk many times
around the shopping center.
Got to surfers with Berti , Kelly and hair. And isn’t it only gorgeous,
Kellys hair that is!!
Met up with Gav and his girlfriend Tonya. It was good to see Gav !!!

13/07/02 Water World…I’ve seen dry land it’s not a myth !!

woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head. Yes welcome to
another day in the life . today is sea world day. Home to animals of the
sea, surprise, surprise !!
All the usual shows applied here, good entertainment! Well actually it was
crap and very touristy but I’ve bought a pass to 3 theme parks so I have to
go along with it.
Hindsight told me that I would have been better off at the beach trying to
surf. It’s a really beautiful beach and has good surf but the surrounding
area is really tacky.
Back to camp krusty caravan park where anyone over the age 102 (which
accounts for 92% of the camp site population ) thinks that they are funny
when they ask if we have brought any bombs with us. Then under the same
breath try to claim that they are Irish themselves. I get a lot of pleasure
out of asking for their surnames, only to tell them that they’re actually of
English decent with a name like that. I cant seem to get away with something
like O’Malley but I tie it in with the story of plantations and the flight
of the earls and give them some spiel about home that name was introduced to
Ireland. The thoughts of being part English absolutely kills the Ozzies.
Well if that doesn’t, the bomb that I brought will !!

14/07/02 Warner Bros Theme park.

This park outshone water world or sea world of whatever it’s called. Plenty
of rides such as the new Scooby doo, wild wild west, Batman and Lethal
weapon. 10 mins after lethal weapon I got a smack to the system. I was
walking around, no bother; happy as Larry, Peter or whoever was happy, when
it just hit me. I don’t know of anyone in the world who has a brain that
takes 10 mins to register that they’ve just been dragged by the a*se ,
turned upside-down around a theme park. To give myself credit, it was some
g-force, and to take that credit away again can I just add that I was the
only one who was affected by it.
Talk about a delayed reaction though.
After a long debate between the left side and the right side it was
eventually concluded that it was my head that had shot through my hole and
so I received the gift of motion sickness !! Took me about 2 hours to come
around.

Met Harry potter, what a toss*r !! Stared at Cat woman while trying to
figure out if the suit she was wearing was paint or just a tight fit..
Mighty impressive !!

15/07/02
Today was a day of rest and peace. Gav C went to the cinema with Tony a and
myself and Kelly went looking for warm clothes as temp at night drops
dramatically. Hung around the dads army site where I discovered clear
evidence of human cloning taking place.
Behold the new super race evolving …“The Israelis” Designed on the
cockroach with stern backs, brown beedy eyes and fully equipped with strong
pubic heads of hair( obviously for picking up radio signals and relaying
messages).
Some of them try to look different by gelling or tying back their hair,
while others seems to try plucking their eyebrows. This approach isn’t too
popular, as although it does give them a more defined shape to the brow, it
ends up looking like tootsie gone wrong !! The must be over here testing
their resistance to heat or something like that. I’m sure army intelligence
is aware of their presence !!

16/07/02 Surfers -> Brisbane
Well Gav snr is leaving today and just to make sure that Tonya is too we’ve
decided to drop them up to Brisbane. As well as that we will get to have an
ickle look at the place.
………

Back from Bris after a short spurt and I don’t see any need to go back there
again. Parking the van alone cost $14 an hour and like all the other cities
in Oz, its condensed into one main street for shopping all the rest are high
rise buildings. As I don’t plan on working there, it’s all I needed to see.
In any case Gomez are playing byron bay this weekend so its suits us to keep
on going. But before we can leave surfers we have one more theme park paid
for so it would be a waste not to go.

17/07/02 Wet N’ Wild
Well actually It was a waste TO go. Wet N wild…the only thing wild was the
price. If we lasted more than 3 hrs there it would be news to me. Anyway its
done now and leaves the road open to head to Byron.
Went to the cinema to see a film called “Last orders”, its set in England.
Don’t know how im gonna cope with the weather at home again, became
depressed just looking at the screen.

18/07/02 Surfers -> Byron Bay
Well it wasn’t one of the greatest days so far. After hearing everyone rave
on about Byron bay ( from Port Douglas right down to Surfers) I should have
known not to believe the hype. Built up to be a vibrant town full of great
bands playing every night and home to some really great people. !! Yeah
whatever you’re smokin’ mate !

What this place really is a shabby town full of wanna be hippies…the type
that try too hard to be different. The irony here is that there are so many
people like this, that they all end up looking the same. And of course good
ol Gav and co end up looking the dogs because we look different…well I call
it normal but its different to these freaks.
The bands playing are sh*t but no one wants to admit this because that would
mean that you have failed to notice the artistic genius and hidden talent
trying to escape in the songs. It was like the emperors new clothes.
I think I noticed that the talent was well hidden, anyway !!
To top it off Gomez is sold out so I don’t really have a purpose for being
here.

On the bright side of things, we’ve met up with the swiss girls from the
Frazer trip so we have had a good laugh with them.
Discovered more evidence of Anthony’s closet feelings. The girls were
rooming with him and they said that he didn’t look at them once when they
were coming out of the shower in their underwear. Kelly didn’t think that
this was more proof, insisting that I would extend the same courtesy.
Tom the cabin boy smiled and said nothing !!

19/07/02 Surfs up dudes

Took a surf lesson today with the two swiss girls while Kelly nursed a
hangover on the beach. The instructor was more stoned than Mary Magdalene,
don’t know how he was meant to instruct us but he did and I got up on the
board first go. I felt like a real ‘dude’ at last.
The Instructor dude , threw his hands in the air and pointed them at my
direction, the Gav dude, he made it look like he was spiderman casting a web
and shouted that immortal word DUDE !! I neary pi**ed myself laughing
because this DUDE was serious.
None the less the GAV DUDE has arrived !!

20/07/02 Byron bay -> Tweed heads
I thought the Israeli bug was spreading as there was another 5 of the
soldiers walking around. But then I realized that it was in fact the same
blokes from surfers…or at least I think they were.
Departed from Byron bay after a stop off at the light house, where we could
see schools of Dolphins more humpback whales and some turtles out at sea.

Got to tweed heads where my cousins live but everyone was unavailable
tonight so tomorrow is another day.

21/07/02

As there is a house at tweed heads, it was offered to us for as long as we
want. Which is great as some much needed washing can get done while
squeezing in some T.V. in between.
Called up to cous. Christine who lives out in the sticks next to a tone
called nimbin whos local produce is grass. She waiting on her house to be
built and for now lives in a shack where the wind and all other element can
flow freely through the house. I dont know how she gets by but she does.
During the summer she couldn't sleep one night because there was a carpet
snake in her room. (I dont know what he was doing there as there isn't a
yard of carpet to be seen) Anyway if that wasn't bad enough the snake was
waiting to snare a field rat. She kept waking up seeing the snake overhead
slowly moving down a beem.
Eventually he hit his target, somewhere between the bed and her dresser!!
Now that's what you call wildlife on one.
I dont think we are quite up to Christine’s standards yet, as after two
small (but potentially poisonous) spiders were spotted in the house at tweed
heads, we moved outside to sleep in Berti !! I swear they looked slightly
agitated !! Honest !!

22/07/02 –23/07/02
Caught up on life and stuff with the cousins, got fed like a king. I think
ill be ringing every week for some recipes.
Of course no trip at a family members, goes without a nixer on their
computer. Happens all the time.
Picked up some tips for surfing, and split.

24/07/02 Tweed heads -> Port McQuarie
The journey to Sydney starts today and we drove as long as we could before
stopping off at Port McQuarie.
We’re anxious to start work now so we can build up the reserves again and
continue with the travels.

25/07/02 Port McQuarie -> Sydney
A short 4 hour drive was all that remained before the target was reached.
This signals the end of the road trip for now and possibly the updates as I
cant imagine the city providing too many interesting stories… but ill see
how it goes.
There are a couple of things that I wont miss. For a start it will be nice
to get a break from the radio as all the play is grunge metal. At any one
point you can only tune in a max of two stations, and you can be guaranteed
that the other station will either be playing Enrique double glazing or
Shakira
I prefer Enrique’s videos better for some reason. He seems to cater for both
male and femail audiences… and Anthony !!

Got to Sydney and heard that the harbour bridge and the Opera house looked
beautiful. I couldn’t see them as I was concentrating on the driving, doing
the best to keep Berti the investment safe.

And here we are at Bondi !
Bondi beach, world renowned !! So famous that bay watch wanted to film here.
And the reason bing… I have absolutely no idea.
What a lot of people probably don’t realise is that “bondi” is actually
aborigine for “Bray with surf”. Theres no other way to describe it. That not
to put Bray down, but at least we don’t harp on about the place!

26/07/02
First impressions of Sydney are of dissapointment. I don’t really know what
I was expecting..maybe futuristic buildings or flying cars but certainly not
this. It’s just like London or Dublin or any other city I suppose.
Spent the day getting clothes for Kelly as Marsha (my sister of course) has
got a job lined up where she works. Im gonna be the bum for now while
Buckley is the bread winner.

27/07/02 - Met up with the lads we had previously met in Thailand. Had to
tell myself 20 times “it’s not that bad” before I could leave the hostel. I
think it’ll be better when we have a place of our own and more settled

28/07/02 – Met up with mates from back home and went on a Sunday bender

29/07/02 – Met Marsha and looked for apartments..nothing else of interest

30/07/02 –
Today was dull and raining. And when it rains you cant wear sun glasses. But
why is that important you may ask ? Here’s why…
As Kelly is starting a job tomorrow with Marsha at this upmarket
beautician’s/ plastic surgeons Clinic or whatever it is.. she had to go in
for an induction day. And I (regrettably) decided to go in with her. The day
started off well..Kelly was getting trained in while I sat in the back and
read the property section picking out somewhere nice to stay.
As Dave of Leary would say, At the end of the day, it was time to leave. But
one of the girls who worked here had spotted the slight two toned colour in
my eye lashes and wouldn’t let me leave with “fixing” them.. and fix it she
did. to use 'fix' one more time she had become fixated with them.
All I had to do was say no thanks and leave. But I said no thanks and
listened to her, Kelly and Marsha after that… within 2 mins I was lying down
on a treatment table.
I felt like the elephant man being unveiled when they took the strips off my
eyes.. and deafening laughter is not the kind of response I was looking for.
No sir !!
I personally don’t have a problem distinguishing between the colours blue
and brown, but this girl did.
And so I looked like I was wearing blue eyeliner. In fact I think I looked
just like the German porn star look-a-like’s I was talking with last month.
I had become exactly like the same people that I was slagging off. I looked
like Anthony feels.. extremely g*y.
Worse news was to follow, this stuff doesn’t come off….for two months. They
tried to correct the error but it didn’t work. At this stage I was beginning
to feel violated !
I had to look up a phone book to find a place that corrects these mistakes….
And I had to walk there. WITHOUT SUNGLASSES ON BECAUSE IT WAS DULL AND
RAINING !!
Still without a job, how could any employer take me seriously, those that
would hire me now, I wouldn’t want to. I cant work on a building site either
for fear of my life.
Anyway, I got to the correction place and brought my tomato head in with me.
All was (almost) well 20 mins later.
I now have a brown eyeliner look, that’s not noticeable… well to anyone that
doesn’t know me !!

Well that’s all for me… your violated friend

The Gav Dude

29/06/02 - 11/06/02 Hervey Bay - Frazer Island

29/06/02-
The frazer trip has to wait as Kelly is a bit sick... as well as that the
world cup final is on tomorrow night so it ties in nicely. Moved to Frazer
escape campsite/hostel for $5 a night.

30/06/02 -

There were two mad hatters staying in the doorms we moved into..from
Limerick. They were delighted to talk to us as they missed the Irish
sarcasm...and im sure it missed them!!
Although we have paid for a trip to Frazer with this hostel we aren't due to
leave until tomorrow. Kelly doesnt seem to be getting any better so we have
put the trip back to the 2nd, just to be on the safe side. Kelly stayed in
bed while the world cup final was on so things aren't looking up at all.

Watched the final with a load of Germans too. They were the biggest 70's
throw backs i've ever come across. They didn't even know how funny they
looked. it wasn't the shoes or clothes that did it...
...it was the natural eye liner look around the eyes... the beards and hair
cuts of abba and you could almost hear the porn star music follow them
wherever they walked... lock up your daughters i tells ya !!
I began a conversation with them and it ended after one sentence....because
i had heard all i wanted to hear.
"so what did you think of the game against Ireland ?"
" Well.. we thought you guys should have won!"
.... end of conversation. I didn't need to hear anything else my mission was
accomplished.. i was amazed at the speed of it too. They tried to explain
why they thought they played so bad but my ears were shut and i only heard
what i wanted to hear... "Yes i am handsome thanks...yes i will take that
$20"...Brazil didn't let me down.

01/07/02
Kellys condition had now reached a level for a visit to the Dr. We wanted to
move to a double room where she could rest. So when we went up to get the
room there was none available...ok!!
Now to give a bit of background here, we had already splashed out $150 each
on the trip to frazer Island with the same crowd...and we had postponed the
trip the day before already and needed to do the same today...
onward...so...
There was $150 in there bank thanks to us, and we wanted a room ..they
didn't have one..fair enough.. so we asked if we could book a room for the
next night..again there was not a problem with this so we did.
I was back packing up the bags, while Kelly was arranging all this.. so
Kelly told them that we would be back tomorrow and that we would stay
elsewhere for tonight..problem!!
They wanted to take our key deposits off us... because we were late checking
out..
I went up and kept the cool while i stressed the owner out, i was trying to
explain that there was a new variable called sickness that changed a lot of
circumstances..also the fact remained that we didn't want to leave but we
had to because they had no rooms for my 'sick' girlfriend...and that we have
shown that we want to give them our business tomorrow night and also on the
trip to the island by booking a room and by paying respectively... this
didn't wash at all... she was the most difficult woman i have ever dealt
with..but i took enjoyment out of watching her stress out... she threw the
rules at me while i threw common sense..
The funny thing is that even though she was adamant about keeping our key
deposits she still thought that we would come back the next night and go on
the trip...no no no no no...
'Money back please on the trip'.. this actually threw her.. and then she
tried to tell me that i wasn't entitled to a full refund..again common sense
against rules but this time i threatned her with a legal statment about a
doctors letter...che ching!! full refund given.. she was getting skinnier by
the minute.... next...
I had a sleeping bag which i was owed $15 dollars on but she didn't want to
give that back either without a receipt.. i knowingly had the receipt in my
wallet but asked her a couple of questions about what would happen if i
didn't find it..."you loose your money".."well it's lucky i have it here
then isn't it".. the woman was totally sick... and for the final statement
whilst walking out the door..." Thank you very much..you've been very very
helpful and i cant wait to recommend you to everyone i see"
Moved to a place called the 'friendly hostel' ...and it is just
that..friendly.

02/07/02
Got talking to a nice dutchhhhhh Guurl. She works as a sex advisor. Pretty
cool job...have to work out a way of bringing that up in a conversation. Sat
around and read through Lord of the rings...

03/07/02
Tried to bring up the conversation of work with the sex advisor. I wanted to
know what kind of problems she solved, did she talk with many people a week,
what are the main prolems, were there many gay couples visiting her ? what
about lesbian more importantly ?
So, with Kelly sitting on one side of me and Dr Ruth on the other i thought
of a plan..
"so do you go back to the same job ?"
Then Kelly asked inquisitively "Oh what do you work at ?"
....."a sex advisor ?"

"no! no!.. a tax advisor".. doh...foiled again! Of course all the questions
i had ready to ask still applied but somehow i dont think the answers would
have appealed as much. Damm that Dutch accent...still i now know how to say
"i like pancakes" in dutch!!

04/07/02
Nothing of interest to speak of apart from my new found experiments with
cooking. as we have a kitchen and plenty of time on our hands while Kelly
recovers i've become a chef. Yes with classic numbers being produced such as
spagetti bolongase (excuse the smelling misplakes here please),which
involves getting the spagetti and the bolongase right , i'll have you
know..it's not just one dish!! Then there was the steak (easy) and last
THai green curry which i am quite proud of. It was so good the first night
that we decided another night of it wouldn't be bad. A german woman even
asked if she could have some. Bad mistake. Myself and Kelly were sitting
there uncomfortably later on trying to let the farts out as quitely as
possible, and im sure she was the same. At one point the whole sitting room
was cleared out!! I think Kelly is getting better...whatever it was making
her sick im sure it got let out!

09/07/02 - 11/07/02 Frazer Island

Well just back from an amazing 3 day trip on an amazing Island. Only a half
hour ferry ride away but the difference felt like half a world away. It was
without doubt the best 3 days since i've been away. A bit of background for
those of you not lucky enough to have seen it.
It's basically the worlds largest sand island, 120km in length and 30 km
wide ( i think). Which equates to pure sand...everywhere. Included with the
sand are blue and green lakes, rainforest, 75 mile long beach and home to
the dingos, snakes, spiders etc. It's not recommended to swim in the sea as
anything you can think of is in there....

Anyway upon arriving you get to seem some lakes and are given the talk about
dingos and how to deal with them if you are approached. 12 months ago they
killed a child so it didn't really inspire confidence, also no matter what
you can't turn your back on them, you have to confront them.

The first day is kind of a get to know everyone day and a few drinks always
helps that one. Of course the sites you see gives you something to talk
about too.

They say a picture tells a thousand words, but you could take a thousand
pictures here and it still wouldn't do justice. So i dont want to try and
describe everything as i haven't got the time and i dont think i would be
able to keep you awake anyway. Please use vivid imagination and include
white sand, turquise waters and rainforests.

The other people with us were all pretty sound except for mr. closet
camp-gay australia. Yes Priscillia was a real pain in the ( or someone
else's ) arse. He goes by the name of Anthony..sorry dad but i didn't
christen him!...there wasn't anything this little gay bast*rd could be told.
He knew it all , or at least he thought he did. The rest of the group was
made up of two funny swiss girls, a german and a non-gay australian.

At ngith we'd all swap storis and the subject of teeth extraction came up.
"Big Gay al" started talking about the time he had his wisdom teeth out and
of the bruise he had at the side of his face. It was fading to a yellow
colour. He didn't think one day when he put on a yellow shirt going to
work,and , " Oh my god!, it so clashed with my bruise","oh the shame of it!"
.... Does this fella kiss his mother with those lips?
....of course he came out with other such beauties like " I don't have many
friends..." ..no real suprises here..."..but the ones i do have we are very
close"...please spare me the details !...then there was this..

" i know there is a girl out there for me but i just haven't found here
yet"..well at 32 years of age you're not gonna find here in the men's
toilets ye big steamer! I don't know if he was trying to fool us or himself
but i can assure you both parties were't buying it.

Day two started off with a bang and just got better and better.
A dingo ran passed our door and naturally ( after the stern talking we were
given about them) i grabbed my camera and ran after him, but by the time i
got out the door he was gone. i ran down towards the beachfront but he was
gone. After five mins of looking up and down the beach something caught my
eye at sea..a mermaid!! No,but im just checking to see if you are still with
me.
No more than 5 meters out at sea there was a humpback whale swimming
parallel to the beach. I couldn't believe it was in so near. What a sight to
see such power moving. Blow hole , followed by fin, followed by tail.
I was watching the what whilst unbeknown to me i was being watched by the
dingo i ran after. When i turned around after the whale had moved out of
sight, there he was no more than 10 feet away and getting nearer.
Of course i knoew exactly what i was going to do.. being a man of the bush
and all that but it's really hard to run in flip flops so i had to stand
there like they tell you. You have to keep eye contact but first i had to
take the photo. He got to 5 feet , snap, eye balling started..no imediate
joy here, he thought he was in with a chance but he didn't know that i had
my Richie Samora(or whatever his name is), Karate kid number up my sleve. So
i spread the arms in the air and began walking towards him and he backed
off. If he had bothered to use his nose he would have sussed me out...but
anyway back to the room for a clean pair of pants and we were away again.

Spotting whale after whale , eventually everyone believed that i had in fact
seen one. Myself and Kelly took a joy flight over the island later on where
we got the aireal view of the humpbacks and could make out their real size.
This was mindblowing, 30 and 40 footers moving together up the straights.
Tiger sharks too in crystal clear waters. Then we turned inland over the
rainforest which looks like a canopy of broccoli from above, with breaks of
massive sand dunes and lakes.

Later we swam in fresh water creeks where the flow just carries you out
towards the sea.
Got another elevated view of the ocean from Indian head and then on to the
champagne pools where the sea spills over into rocks big enough to swim in.
All in all we counted over 15 whales but the best was towards the end of the
day when the started jumping up out of the water. some sat sideways lifting
their fins in the air as if waving at the shore, only to smash them into the
sea seconds later.
Satisfied that we'd seen it all we headed homeward, stopping off along the
way monitoring the 100's of fisherman on the beach...and there we where
given on last suprise before the sun went down.
A 12ft tiger shark swam in behind the fishermen, after a fish in 2 ft of
water. He was almost completey out of the water, it was amazing how he could
make his way around. At that moment when the fishermen spotted him behind
them, there was an abundance of brown trout caught !!
They would have been chomped if thats what the shark wanted, you should have
seen them trying to get out of the way.
It's a sight i will take with me to the grave... i'll have to because by the
time i jumped out of the van and into the water ( don't i sound so macho
here!!) he was gone... no photo's.

The next day just couldn't top it...nothing could. Got up to watch the
sunrise on the beach and myself and Kelly were approached by two dingos.
After seeing a shark the day before we just laughed at them...but then we
got over that one and got an attack of the sh*ts... time for the confronting
thingy! Word must have spread to the others about the "Richie move" because
these boys just legged it... i was ok though after i jumped into Kellys
arms.
time for one last swim and then home... it was all unreal. While we all
reflected on the past 3 days over a coffee...Anthony was munching on a
gaytime lolly pop. Honestly this boy just keeps on sending out those
messages... Maybe this may sound like a bit of homophobia here...it isn't
he's just a steamer and thats the end of it. I know and like ( although not
too much) plenty of gay people. So i dont want a hard time about Priscilla!!

anyway i think it's time to cut this one short... i have't got the time to
keep going so ill leave this at the 11th.

We are in Surfers paradise now duuuuuuuuuuuuudddddddddeeeeeeeeesss...but
more on that next time.

All the best

Butch Harmon.